I have had a realization recently about things that I was still feeling ashamed of.
At the beginning I did not even recognize that it was shame, since in the past the way I experienced shame was way more dense energetically, connected to the healing of sexuality and womanhood. This particular shame I explored is different.
But even though it is different energetically, it is still Shame. It is connected to past emotions and situations of my life were I felt treated unfairly, betrayed or upset. I felt ashamed about feeling those emotions. I felt that if I spoke my truth, it would mean that I am not really that spiritual or that by saying things in one way or another it may be interpreted that I come from the ego. Therefore instead of expressing what I truly felt, I would just rather go into the premise of accepting everything as it is and set my mind to come into love, but this was on the surface because underneath I was still carrying the upsetness.
As a consequence of all the underlying and unresolved emotions I started to carry projections within myself, about the other person that I felt mistreated by.
It would accumulate and since I am very aware of my internal world would I observe it and wonder how much longer is this gonna be going on and why can I not let it go?
I believe that the reason I could not let it go was because first I had to see that there was this shame inside and that I had created a story because of this shame. I realized that I actually had to forgive myself for not speaking my truth at the moment when it was needed.
If I look at all the situations in which something like this occurred in my life and if I change the perception from looking at it through the eyes of the other person and remembering the way I acted, in their own minds they probably just thought that I was fine. They did not know all the things that were going on inside myself because I was hiding them and I had just been playing nice on the surface.
Of course if I pretend that all is okay to myself and to others and if I do not express my true feelings then the outcome is futile: what I create is an incongruent perception of the situation. Since I never was honest to begin with. That is why forgiveness was not been able to come through since in order for forgiveness to arise it has to come from a pure, sincere place within oneself.
Though what I do know… is that through writing and expressing it I can free this energy. Sharing it frees the energy of feeling ashamed because I just completely open myself to the things I feel or felt ashamed of and as I write it I can already feel the sense of openness and light energy flowing through me. And this feels really good.
It feels freeing to simply be honest with myself and fully allow myself to speak all that needs to be said. Dissolving the fear of judgement with it. I have come to the understanding that there is really no higher or lower level of being. It just is us as we are and inside the core of all of us is the same essence of light, the same source that radiates out. But then there are all these layers of imprints that need to be freed so we can finally meet in that essence of light.
That is it. Even though there are certain emotions or processes going on in life, in the centre of all is this little spark of truth, of love which I am and which we all are and therefore there is really nothing to be ashamed for… I can see my essence within this whole process. Just sitting there, within the core of my heart, holding space and witnessing, loving me and bringing me into this gentle sparkling space, creating a flow of energy. And that makes it kind of magical and beautiful again.
My dear sister told me once to share our shame makes it sacred. I believe this to be true. <3 Namaste